Saturday, 3 November 2012

no no no this is not a cow this is a..

Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF In the interests of posting regular like and at the same time not doing any heavy lifting with ze little grey cells , here is some random tables I have been meaning to write.


They are of vast importance I can tell you.


ALTERNATIVES TO REGULAR FARM ANIMALS THAT REQUIRE NO EXPLANATION , BUT AT THE POSSIBLE RISK OF BEING BORING

1. Dogs. Especially weird dogs with too much skin or little legs for compact cage storage. Provide milk (seriously you can make dog cheese), meat, hide. IS IT MORE INTERESTING TO MAKE THEM GIANT? yes. But the rule of thumb with making animals giant is it's prob more interesting to use them as combatants than agriculture, unless a)They are far too ridiculous to take seriously as a combatant
b)a farm of giant versions of them is really creepy
delicious!


2. Iguanas. Meat, hide , eggs. Comparable space efficiency to chickens. GIANT? see dogs

3. Llamas, alpacas etc. Milk, meat, wool. Unlike sheep and cows, cannot be convinced to form one big herd and maintain all these little herds and will fuck each other up if forced in close proximity.  GIANT ? Sure. Like a furry giraffes

4.Bats. Not sure why no one has done this. Possible because batshit is so fucking toxic. But great for fertilizer and gunpowder. Anyway they are happy to roost in vast numbers, and the insectivores eat the shit out of the insect population. Meat, soft leather and fur. Horrible fungal spores from guano? GIANT? Sure but see dogs

5. Cats. Fuck cats. GIANT? Big cats as herd animals? ANd not a monster encounter?


Could work...

6. Worms. Dry roast them , ground them into flour and protein the shit out your bread. GIANT? Fuck yeah , big red compost worms length of a horse churning through a vast field of rotting food scraps

7. Guinea pigs. For the meat. GIANT? Sure, like edible furry cars.

8. Ostriches. Meat, eggs, feathers, egg shells. GIANT? .. does not seem to change much really.

9. Large Crickets. Meat, chitin. Tastes like peanut butter. Giant? yup , bizarre bouncing stampeders
okay I'm real bored now,


let's skip to DOMESTIC ANIMALS THAT NEED YOU TO DESCRIBE , HOWEVER BRIEFLY


1. Pigeels: Imagine a really ugly pig mouth and snout with a fat giant fleshy eel body behind it. Now imagine them writhing packed in narrow filth filled channels. Agriculture!
->meat

2.Higgysow and gourdies: A higgysow is a hedgehog the size of a bus. It's quite immobile and requires constantly cleaning and feeding. The spines are harvested regularly allowing easy access to the giant non jumping fleas which are packed with protein and iron, and can be beheaded and the head replaced with a spigot for an on tap black pudding.
->spines, congealed blood, chitin


3. Crabcow: it's blimp like cow thing with stumpy legs and that mess of mouth parts that's a crab face. Eats anything. Tastes... distinctive.
->meat, .. and milk? I think I just threw up in my brain

4.  FattyApe: A suicidally docile albino cave ape that is kept in the ceilings of underground dwellings.




-->meat. warmth, waste disposal



5.BrineCow: They are like cows but actually a type of seaweed and you can dry them for easy storage. Just add water to bring them back to life!
6. Sackbird: It's a oil looking bird bred without wings, feathers , claws or a head. You shove unedible food stuff into its neck hole, let it digest abit and then squeeze it to bring it back up again in a delicious slurry.
-->partially digesting otherwise unedible food stuff, making the worlds worst smoothies, skin is water proof and makes rubbery clothing

7.Carpetmouse: It's like a couple of 1000 mice partially grown together with only the outer fringes having bones for motile purposes. It's elaborate series of stomachs allow it eat grasses as well as seeds and grains. Can be used as a living blanket or cloak.
-->meat, lawn mowing, warmth

8.Gulper: Like pelican that has done a half assed job of evolving into a compact lazy looking baleen whale. Filter feeder, aquatic, favoured among lake reed towns and river nomads
-->meat, eggs, underdown

6 comments:

  1. OH LOOK AT THAT BLOGGER you all pretend to lose the pictures and then made me re upload them but you had them there the whole time.
    And then you hide them again when I'm trying to edit it? Cool.

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  2. Nifty! I like this kinda thing. I made a guineapigelephant that eats light and shits neon fertilizer that causes plants to pulse neon like christmas lights. also silver sea slugs that gorge on pollution. hm, I need to make more weird animals meant for domestication or befriendment but are likely to be butchered for fun stuff. I like the higgysows and gourdies.

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  3. Sackbirds seem ideal for those long-term underworld explorations. Wear it right on your belt w/the other sacks and feast upon the flesh of your enemies (in a pinch, naturally).

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  4. boatbird. Sleeps for a long, long spell, during which you can turn it upside down and row around in it or tie cloths to its long beak and sail it around. Wakes up if it (a) gets too hungry (keep forcing those fish into its beak), (b) hears the mating call of other boatbirds.

    ReplyDelete
  5. hmm I wroted you a comment but then it disapparood./"

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think you're a cyber jewel.

    ReplyDelete