Friday, 25 November 2016


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Tickleboys are horrible.
If you game doesn't have goblins , it has tickleboys. If it has goblins or kobolds or gretchins it also has tickleboys and no-one is sure if they are tribe of them, or cursed ones, or a mutants and even all those half hitdice guys don't know and don't like them and refuse to talk about them.

they are there and ugly and the giggle and they sneak and hide and lick you in yoursleep.

a whole bunch of tickleboys come tumbling out of the cupboard too many to fit there . everything they touch is greasy and sticky.

they will steal babys and replaced them with too many babys 
they will tickle cows and turn the milk into clotted hair

they will swarm you with long pins and feathers 

they will kiss your feet and suck at your fingers 

here they come pulling so hard at their cheeks and turning themselves inside out for a game

laughing so hard they vomit and cry and bubble up snot 

Nothing they do is right, they can fit into spaces too small and eat things too big

hiding in your shoes, 5 in the left 3 in the left

Sucking up a whole pig in front of you, shitting coins into the hands of a blind beggar, cutting a guard dog into tiny pieces with little scissors. 

WhAt ARE They DOingg?

1. They have stolen all the towns assholes and everyone is swollen and sick now. They keep the assholes at the bottom of a deep well , where they will dart away from you like little fish. they are more interested in you finding this well than not finding it and will be lurking in the walls of the well to watch you try and catching these fleshy figs. Then they will follow and sneak up to unpick at any holdings of the assholes to let them bounce everywhere

2. they are sneaking into houses and smashing peoples heads with a big rock. They keep using the same rock and leaving in the centre of town afterwards, no matter where it's buried or thrown. they have hidden themselves in an old dead women and so spy from there.

3. they've filled the church bells with gross quivering eggs. No-one has got the courage up to try and remove them yet. If left the eggs will hatch out doppelgangers , if touched they will pop with sweet stink that will allow the tickleboys to find that person for ever after

4. The towns taverns rats have been shaved and blinded , running around senseless in the daylight.
The hair is melted with weird needings and snuck into the beer of the other town tavern. If the patrons keep drinking it , trichobezoar will grow up inside them until they die.

5. hidden under the rocks and stones of the river , they slurp up and demand a toll on the bridge. The toll is a wet kiss but they sometimes will suck the voice off the kissee and run off to tell all their secrets with it.

6. they have build a fine nest of pins and hooks and layed a golden treasure amongst it. They whispered rumours leading to it and wait with strings to pull the nest closed and then open again plucking the victim apart

Tuesday, 22 November 2016


Print Friendly Version of this pagePrint Get a PDF version of this webpagePDF I used to think the name lich should be entirely replaced with "skeletor" but actually , no that's terrible. I mean anytime you think of using a lich you should just use Skeletor , but no liches should not be called skeletor's that's ridiculous .

Aerial servant : Cloud Goon
Anhkheg:  Hate-Mole
Beetle, giant : Insector Rex
Black pudding : The Chubber
Blink dog : Time Wolf
Brownie : Gomorrite
Bugbear : Shaggy Badtimes
Bulette : Dirt-Shark
Carrion crawler: Corpse-Sucker
Centaur : Manhorse
Cloaker: MkUltra
Couatl : Secret Serpent
Dragon : Horse
Dragonne : Suck-Beast
Dragon turtle : Gamera
Ear seeker : Brain Worm
Eye, floating : Scream Eye
Eye of the deep : Drowning Bell
Fungi, violet : Tubscelant Rotter
Gas spore : Exploder
Ghast : Sicker
Ghost: Space-Vomit
Giant : Daddy
Gnoll: Superdog
Gnome : Knob
Goblins: Tickleboys
Gorgon : Ambombibull
Gray ooze :Slunk
Green slime :  Prasinous Illness
Griffon : Mess-Bird
Halfling : Manlet
Hippocampus : Sea-Pony
Hippogriff : Donkey-Bird
Hobgoblin : Henrys
Horse : Lobotomized Brute
Intellect devourer : Escaped Brain
Invisible stalker : Secret Murderer
Irish deer : Hell-Moose
Ixitxachitl : Bastard of The Sea, Sea Bastard
Jackalwere : Garbage-Dog
Ki-rin : Elder-Dog
Kobold : Daniels
Lamia : She-Beast
Lammasu : MellowLord
Lizard man : Plutonian
Locathah : War-Fish
Lurker above : False- Ceiling
Masher: Knife-cod
Merman : Mermaid
Mind flayer : never use illithid "illithid is their name for themselves" no-one cares about their feelings, we don't have to learn this word, don't try and make these dollarstore lovecrafts seem Eldritch or whatever. They are man with a squid for a head that eats brains , that is both the description and bio of a toy a kid made by glueing their toys together, it's great 
Mold : Beard
Morkoth : Hynosquid
Neo-otyugh: Poop-Bluto
Nixie : Shellycoats
Ochre Jelly: Danger-Goo
Ogre : Bethany
Ogre mage(Japanese ogre) : Bethany-Chan
Orc : Sly-Simons
Otyugh: Poop-Popeye
Owlbear: Trash-Beast
Pegasus : Power-Elf
Peryton : Pain-Deer
Piercer : Stalagfight
Pixie : Sodomite
Portuguese man-o-war, giant : Tentacruel
Pseudo-dragon : Peep-Peep
Purple worm: Conquerer Worm
Quasit : Bad Idea Brian
Roper : these are a mess anyway CaveCops (thanks Nick)
Rust monster : Wrickets
Sahuagin: Sharkanoid
Satyr : Mangoat
Sea lion: Ocean-Savager
Shedu : Dude
Shrieker: Unfungus
Skeleton : Skeleton
Slithering tracker : Sucking Chyle
Spectre : GodSick
Sprite : Catamite
Stirge : Needler
Strangle weed: KillWeed
Su-monster : Brain-Ape
Sylph :SkyVixen
Titan : Ultra-Masc
Trapper: Unwelcome Mat
Treant : Thug-Tree
Triton : Aquaman
Troglodyte : Piss-Newt
Unicorn : Ponylord
Vampire : Batman
Water weird : Ghost-Snake
Will-o-(the)-wisp : Blights
Wyvern: Ultra-Vulture
Xorn : Dirt-Ghost
Zombie: Smelly Doug

Monday, 24 October 2016

Thinking About WarBeasts

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I opened a post on g+ to talk about ludicrous warbeasts and I'm still thinking about them:

Thinking about the problem of having someone or thing super into killing but still caring about fellow army members and the chain of command. 

(Which has been the biggest barrier to the creation of "war-drugs" . You increase anything that makes a solider better at killing you also advance the "will shoot own troops and disregard orders slider" )

So you breed a war-goat , and its fearless and will fight anyone ; how to you get it not to fight your own troops, or even advance in the right direction?

 If you train the animal to have a trigger response to certain stimulus , it risks discovery and exploitation by the enemy.

 Dumb animals are more easy to have doing stuff reflexively and ignoring context , a giant beetle will charge when the pheromone flag is waved near it regardless of the presented danger of the enemy. 

However if the rider is unable to wave the corresponding Halt pheromone flag the beetle will keep advancing off the battlefield , into fires or even off cliffs. 

A smart animal will integrate context into its commands, however it will have to be more motivated by the training than its sense of self preservation.
 At some point it could be more afraid of the enemy than its learned fear of the rider.

 Fear isn't the only motivator however.

 Hunger and Caring are the other big motivators in animal attacks. 

Hunger is presents some problems because predators do not take unnecessary risks. You hear about people fighting off a bear or a lion with a couple of punches to the snoot because of this. 

Most predator attacks on prey animals result in the prey getting away, predators won't push a fight that doesn't immediately go their way. They can't afford to 

. If you've ever had a pet cat that gets into fights , you'll have had to go to vet at some point to get infected bites and scratches and seen how disabling they can be.

 In the wild there is no vet, a predator gets a broken tooth, a puffed up face obscuring an eye, a cracked rib, there's a high chance they won't be able to feed themselves and then starve to death 
(unless they can survive on scavenging kills and smaller normal substandard food like insects or lizards) 

So a warbeast motivated by hunger isn't necessary going to ignore its self preservation , unless its starting to get hungry enough to weaken it.
 Also once it kills something , it is likely to want to eat it right away. 
And then there's the ever present threat of it choosing to eat something closer. 

There's a couple of interesting and d&dable work-around that could happen here though:

The attached army is could be just not food , skeletons have no meat, treemen or funguys neither, or might be exploiting a known allegory; the kuo-toa use thorny-tigers , and thorny-tigers are allergic to seafood . 

Which is something they would want to keep secret , to prevent the enemy hacking up kuo-toa and throwing them into the maw of the Kuo-toa .

 Another is the attached army to the war beast coats themselves with scent that the war beast has learned to never want to eat. 
Stealing (and using) and/ or replacing the scent would be an tremendously effective sabotage .

The scent could be instead be an attractant, thrown on or previously associated with the enemy to make the enemy perceived as food. 

Insects are a good subject for this, being extremely controlled by pheromones. 

Leading on from this and into another hunger solution is using a beast that doesn't eat meat and making it believe the enemy isn't made of meat and instead the food of the beast. So the subtle scents of dry and rotting wood are applied sneakily to the enemy army . 

Then the giant termite warbeast would mindlessly chew through their troops , spitting out the mangled carcasses just as soon as it swallows them . Or a half lobotomised starving great ape tearing up these delicious smelling "fruits" but unable to find the source to satisfy its hunger 

Stupid beasts or highly drugged /motivated are needed for this strategy , otherwise they would get frustrated and stop

Expanding on this  “Tantalus”  strategy is preventing satisfaction by making a hole in the throat or stomach so the bolus tumbles out as quickly as its eaten.

Some plasticity in the beast, disposable attitude toward it , or fleshy magiks/sciences are required for this. Also again, the  animal to be dumb, drugged or brutalised enough to not be aware of the futility . Or not be an animal that is happy to immediately eat its own vomit.

Some war beasts could have such a prestigious appetite that the typical killing they will do on a battlefield wouldn’t threaten to gorge them to the point of physical impairment 

Alternatively to cutting holes in the valuable war-beast is having it vomit up what (who) it just ate , which could be an additional weaponised behaviour (via acid, temperature of the  bolus,  or just the sheer force of the projection)  .
The vomiting could be the result of drugs, modifying the stomach to not accept solid food , or a mechanic device triggering the gag reflex.
Example of that last  one could be some poor bastard who has to hang off the neck of the beast and jam a long rod down its throat, a festering bit of wire jutting out of the flesh leading to the muscle group that a minor shock is applied to, or a gross polyp that is caressed.

Excessive vomiting might tax the creature's stomach acid and/or cause teeth corrosion, which could be exploited as an attrition strategy by an opponent; sending waves of cannon folder or even domestic animals repeatedly at the war-beasts so they eat and puke until they lose their teeth and become unable to digest food .

A really simple solution to all of this that I could of said at the start but I just remembered  about now is “Surplus Killing” .  If a war-beast behaves likes  this when excessive prey is in front of them they will kill without eating or only eating the choicest bits.
( aka “fox in the henhouse” )
The concept of a warbeast that carves its way into enemy lines , stopping to quickly pluck out livers or hearts is a striking one.

Caring is the other motivator. I’m jamming together territory  defending , mate /kids protection and dominance displays all in this character.
In all these there is something that the beast is prepared to risk or even sacrifice itself for.

In the wild this can make herbivores or otherwise not hostile animals even more dangerous than predators. Hippopotamus and wildebeest are some of the biggest killers in Africa because of this. 

The hippopotamus doesn’t get “full” and not interested in killing you. As soon as you are threatening its territory (or babies) it wants to kill you. It wants to kill your boat , it wants to kill your dog , it wants to kill you. 

Territorialness could be exploited by an army if the war-beast understands its territorial by smell , everyone in the army anoints themselves in pungent fragrance and the war-beast thinks of the army as “it’s”.  A better fit would be for the smell to mean the that the army was the young of the warbeast. 

The scent could be just thrown into an area, the warbeast then staying in that area and menacing everyone coming near it. Only when the scent disperses could the warbeast be approached and rejoined into the army. (Its own scent glands would be removed so it can’t reapply a scent)

Getting more ludicrous there could be an actual structure or section of land carried by the army to trigger the warbeast territory. 

It might be impossible or logistically prohibitive to have the entire army believed to be the warbeasts young, so maybe just a bonded rider or solider. Which is an obvious weakness and macguffinable. 

If the attached army is to be seen as mates to protect , some poor bastard might have to wear custom costume/armour and have the warbeast mount them , the rest of the army can get by in just being soaked in the urine of a in-heat female. 
 Unless large fake animals are made for this purpose , perhaps being formerly a religious statue or totem carried by the army for divine protection, before its other use was discovered and awkwardly religiously explained as not terrible.

Dominance: something about the enemy could trigger the warbeast to attack to prove its bestness. Most dominance conflicts don’t involve the full capacity of the creatures involved, stags rarely try and gut each other or kick out eyes. But the reduced aggression is most likely more than enough to kill and maim, such as an headbutting goat or stag or a neck whipping giraffe.

In-order to have the attached army not be seen as a threat the uniform of the attached army could some how appear to be showing a submissive posture; helmets with the toward pointing horns of a losing giant stag beetle for example. Or a ritual rolling on the ground and showing the belly before the beast, disguised as ritual madness as not to be understood and copied by the enemy army.

Repeating myself a little here but if the warbeast is just so fucked up on drugs, brain surgery, psionic control or parasites,  it could be made to see the enemy as something desirable to it , either food , mates, or even an environment; panicked burrowing beasts seeing troops flesh as soft soil or making  giant parasites choose hosts that are far smaller than usual.

Otherwise placid beasts could become terrifying warbeasts this way , the giant sloth lumbering towards those "delicious leafs surrounded by troublesome thorns"

This might be very unstable way of manipulating the beast, requiring highly trained and knowledgeable individuals and/or luck.

It's worth noting that in a way an animal should always be considered to be in an altered state.
A dog does not see the world and is responding to very different information than you are in the same situation. War-elephants were recorded as afraid of the scent of camel.

Understanding how the warbeast perceives the world could open up exploitations. Ruiner-Crabs will ignore anything red, glyptodonts poor vision means they can't make out spears and are unafraid of charging a pike formation , battleworms move toward high pitch noises.  

some of the best ideas from the thread are:

Advanced force of burrowing animals, turning a plane in a treacherous field of foot/hoof sized pot holes. Attached army uses giant centipedes as warmounts so they don't care

Huge Knife Ball pushed by giant scarabs. the knife ball has some necromantic device inside it so it crudely animates any corpses stuck to it.
The corpses cling and stab and the ball katamari-damacys to frightening sizes as the battle progresses
Skeleton elephant full of poison snakes, strike out at anyone coming near it

Rust monsters with wasps nests grown all over them.

matryoshka war dogs: they contain consecutively (wet , fleshy, viscerally coloured smaller dogs. They can do a reaching bite where the dogs telescope out from the biggest ones mouth, exchange brute force for numerically superiority, or survive otherwise lethal blows that fail to reach the inner dogs

"ratmen" actually made of rats, that pile up on top of each other until they make a plausible at a distance human shape. More for information warfare than anything as they can show up near anywhere and be mistaken for an actual military unit. Can even steal clothing and armour and disguise themselves further
Advanced version could be a rat army that travels as rats , carrying some building materials and small tools. Then using whatever is around they make walking rat operated warmachines , for example a horse size quadruped formed of tied together bone with farm tool tusks and damp leather hide
A army of intelligent rats would prob do far more damage just fouling supplies, sabotaging equipment, and starting fires, but these rats have this thing about proving they are more than vermin and so do this weird shit with rat junk-mecha

Ian Reily:
I still think an animated wicker man is the most fun siege weapon. Not strong enough to batter down walls, it probably has to clamber over them, setting things alight. You shoot it to put your guys trapped inside out of their misery, or bring in fire hoses to try and de-animate it

Beloch Shrike:

Massive behemoth beasts with acidic semen. Jacked off by teams using a system of canvases and pulleys until they fire their ejaculate artillery across the battlefield.

Here's the thread anyway:

Wednesday, 14 September 2016


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It's a fancy castle . Castles are for defense. Palaces are for going NO ONE CAN EVEN TRY TO ATTACK ME extra pointless thin towers.

So a palace is an excuse to make some ludicrous architecture with making it plausible to defend or even live comfortably in.

It's also an excuse to make a series of interconnected rooms with some unusual way of getting from one to the other, either through standard or nonstandard use of the architecture.

Okay maybe that's not a Definitive thing about Palaces but if you can imagine a palace without tall spindly towers and dainty bridges , I dunno man.

Tall spindly towers suggests being able to grappling hook between them , and dainty bridges suggests rooms broken up with open air.

Palaces also suggest extravagance, madness, waste and wealth and those are all hot-shit adventure location fuel.
"location fuel" let's ignore that

It , is of course easier to run a Palace if things are being dysfunctional , so a Gormenghast or a Miss Havisham Palace or the classic ruined and rehabited palace or it's space haunted , or it was never meant to be lived in just a vast display of wealth and then it gone and get monsters all in (like the real life Taj Mahal ).

By "easier to run" I mean as "adventure" adventure. Interacting with a palace with numerous, co-ordinated, and organised inhabitants is going to be a be a diplomatic, heist, running battle, or siege adventure. Or mostly likely an adventure that moves along that list as a farcical progression.

*the actual definition is not relevant to us right now GOOD FELLOW

Here are some palaces that have unusual traversal options , "adventure" adventure and have the architecture noteworthy somehow.

1. The Sky Gazing Palace of Marque Toad-Toad-Toad:

A palace built in an of hubris after the swamps had been drained and course of the river changed. It was not to last.  The palace sunk  but due to its rare construction it did not break apart; it tipped back  but remained intact, its facade now tiled towards the sky. The back half of the palace is underwater, the front half free of water but not of roots and trees.
  The current self declared  ruler is the Marque Toad-Toad-Toad, a giant toad dressed in the mud stained rags he's found here. He has another toad growing from his head. This toad also has a toad growing from his head. All are festooned and crowned. He is often out touring with his court  (a weird mix of swamp dwellers, lunatics, and the truly desperate)
His court is split between his pope (toad pope) , his general (toad general), his archivist (toad archivist) , and his fool (frog).  They are extremely willing to work against each other.
Other things hanging out here included duncan the alligator , a witch travelling backwards in time, a band of catfish musicians who make instruments out of human bones, and some goblins pretending to be a ghost king.

2. The Squirming Palace of the Cliff Bound Urchin King
This is giant sea urchin attached to side of a cliff. It's organs and muscles have been pushed out of the way a little to make room for rooms and passages. This was done by glass walls so on the other side of the glass you can see all the squirming.  The ruler here is a Louse . A wizard Louse. A really messed up teleport spell sent some of wizards intellect into a louse. This louse is basically a coherent wizard some of the time and the rest of the time it just sucks blood out of the walls. The most coherent thing it does is patrol the palace and demand proof of guests that they truly have been working against its enemies (the ocean and the land, must be working against both at once). The Urchin King is backed up by shellfish golems. Failure to satisfy the Louse will mean it will try and capture you and put you in cages to be lowered out over the ocean to die of exposure.

Other denizens included a foul humoured sadistic group of skua bandits, a shadow stealing octopus, anemone men (from Fire On the Velvet Horizon) , sinister elven fleshmancers, and an unemployed and child-eating dwarven circus.

3.Too Many Kings Palace

The Mouse Queen died and the will wasn't found and now all her 56 children claim ownership of the palace.  Magics by the Mouse Queen mean the children can't directly act against each other so they instead turn to make each of their sections bigger. These mice are a foot tall each but like making biiig rooms, but by their standards. So they are cramped rooms but with to scale decorations.

The mouse Queen is still here as a mummy. There's a haunted (regular sized book) , library that has the pages fold themselves up in the form of what they describe and attack people , there's ants dressed and acting like England at the height of its take over the world period.

4.Red and Boreal Palace To The Whales Grief

A big dead frozen whale being carved into a ritual palace by snow elves. Snow elves actually make themselves by carving themselves out of frozen megawhale corpse. They ritually move from the tail to the head, and don't care what happens to the rooms they leave behind themselves (each elf needs an entire room carved out to make them)

Cautiously occupying the other spaces are Mercenary Polar Bears who are starting to get on abit and are thinking about their retirement, A disgraced and scheming shaman, Ghost krill making a song craft to travel to the aurora borealis, maddened yeti (allergic to whale flesh, they keep gorging and vomiting) , drill worms, and  murderous crab philosophers (not all of them, just most of them).

5.The Scavenged and Street scattered Palace of the Gutter Knight
This is a series of interconnect houses, street bridges, barricaded off alleys , teetering trash towers , and sewer repurposement. Collectively it forms a palace. Hovel Knights and Roof Lords ritually duel over ownership as the city moves through the palace somewhat awkwardly.

Also unusually Large alley cats, Gutter dryads , Kid's Chalk Drawings of Gargoyles that work more or less like real ones, The Library of Mistakes, Brain Replacing Pigeons , an identity market , A treasure of useless trash (yet each item will insanely invaluable to one person somewhere), the embassy of the under-owls, sewer sharks and the fishers of men.

6. Earth Exiled Palace, The Horse Rotovator , Grave Thief
It's a giant skeletal horse machine that travels underground stealing graves and forgotten cities.

It's sinister purpose is to erase evidence of tragedies, massacres, disasters of terrible scale , so future people are more likely to repeat them.

It's run and loosely maintained by oily looking human-sized centipedes with baby hands and faces of tedious bureaucrats. Their eyes are dull  quartz stones which nevertheless will work unnaturally well as bribes in bureaucratic matters.

broken but possibly fixable apocalypse engines , all kinds of confused guardian undead, historic evidence , mad spirits, bound Ozymandians (Fire on the Velvet Horizon again) ,  a small gentlemens club of experimental avantguard necromancers (lively but amoral) , bored ghosts, clay men trying to come up with the perfect society (and breaking into fist fights about it) , rusting semi-living warmachines.

*let's not bother with the actual definition 

Monday, 22 August 2016

Animation Smears And Spirtual Texts

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“First, the movement which is upwards and continuous. This signifies that they are borne inflexibly towards God.....Thirdly we consider in fire the quality of clarity, or brightness; which signifies that these angels have in themselves an inextinguishable light, and that they also perfectly enlighten others”

"Surely, the disbelievers will be in the torment of hell to abide therein forever. [The torment] will not be lightened for them, and they will be plunged into destruction with deep regrets, sorrows and in despair therein. We wronged them not, but they were the wrongdoers. And they will cry: 'O Malik! Let your Lord make an end of us!' He will say: 'Surely, you shall abide forever.' Indeed we have brought the truth to you, but most of you have a hatred for the truth."

The dragon[a] stood on the shore of the sea. And I saw a beast coming out of the sea. It had ten horns and seven heads, with ten crowns on its horns, and on each head a blasphemous name. 2 The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet like those of a bear and a mouth like that of a lion. The dragon gave the beast his power and his throne and great authority. 3 One of the heads of the beast seemed to have had a fatal wound, but the fatal wound had been healed. The whole world was filled with wonder and followed the beast. 4 People worshiped the dragon because he had given authority to the beast, and they also worshiped the beast and asked, “Who is like the beast? Who can wage war against it?”

"I am better than him. You created me from fire and created him from clay."

"The Messenger of Death will not touch you; in this way, you shall cross over the terrifying world-ocean, carrying others across with you."

Ezekiel, like all prophets except Moses, has beheld only a blurred reflection of the divine majesty, just as a poor mirror reflects objects only imperfectly

having solid black eyes, having a shoulder span measured in miles, and carrying hammers "so large, that if all of mankind tried at once to move them a single inch, they would fail". When they speak, tongues of fire come from their mouths. If one answers their questions incorrectly, one is beaten every day, 

 a great and mightie marques, and commeth abroad in the likenes of a woolfe, having a serpents taile, [vomiting] flames of fier; when he putteth on the shape of a man, he sheweth out dogs teeth, and a great head like to a mightie [night hawk];

or behold I am Understanding and science dwelleth in me; and the heavens oppress me. They cover and desire me with infinite appetite; for none that are earthly have embraced me, for I am shadowed with the Circle of the Stars and covered with the morning clouds. My feet are swifter than the winds, and my hands are sweeter than the morning dew. My garments are from the beginning, and my dwelling place is in myself

The locusts looked like horses prepared for battle. On their heads they wore something like crowns of gold, and their faces resembled human faces. 8 Their hair was like women’s hair, and their teeth were like lions’ teeth. 9 They had breastplates like breastplates of iron, and the sound of their wings was like the thundering of many horses and chariots rushing into battle. 10 They had tails with stingers, like scorpions, and in their tails they had power to torment people for five months
Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth.

all images found on 

Sunday, 14 August 2016

terrible vveapon

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Sorry kids that I don't post as much as I used.
Find it harder to concentrate on writing stuff than I used to. Not sure why.
But , like, have you seen the wealth of content on other blogs these days?
You can get so so much diy d&d "weird osr" that I feel comfortable reclining reptile like into the background.


"But the jungle has now been abandoned by Zyan above. The visitors no longer come. All but four of the hanging pagodas stand empty and derelict. Each of these is occupied by one of the four remaining hanging merchants of Zyan" 

"A single strand of it, teased free and tied around the finger, wrist, or neck of a victim, ensures their compliance in all things; so long as the strand is still attached to her head, the witch can command it to sever the member around which it is tied"
"Ice lice. The size of small dogs. Mostly live on mammoths and other huge mammals. Will drain a human dry in under a minute, then crowd around the corpse trying to figure out why it doesn't have any more blood in it"
"Prototype staff members. Bodies halfway carved into dolls."

"Kalkiskordivaay, Marchioness of the Wormwood Star. Appears as a leopard with the head of a woman of no mean appearance, her red-gold hair oddly cast in the light of a crown of pale green fire."
"Ix is between death and life, her daughters dead or missing, her city a sepulchre beneath which she weeps eternal rivers of poison and forgetfulness. The rivers flow forever, into our own waters. They remind us of death and we die or go mad.
Her city and our first home, treasure trove, altar and throne of the best god, is lost to all but the dead and those unlucky enough to be invited."

"for the alzabo will have all the feelings the father had towards the child in addition to wanting to eat and make company of their memories. This is not a parroting of the sounds and mannerisms, it is perfect and sincere"
55 Giant termite mounds
56 A thousand or so easily offended frogmen in huge spawning pit
57 A pyramid of moss covered skulls
58 Duckmen guarding a pillar of unbreakable metal
"From a distance it looks like an enormous fox. From a distance it looks like an enormous crow. Close up it is obviously neither. It is a thing trying to be a couple things. Its skin is fluid and ink. When it moves it sort of...shapes itself in that direction. Stretching and blurring"

As I just went through these to quickly find an example of the magic there I found pages and pages of content I haven't had time to read let only digest and shit I'm sorry guys I hope your writing brings you joy as now all our attention is stretched so thin that you don't get the accolades you deserve.

(I will keep mentioning other blogs that I've stumbled on or forgotten to mention in future posts)

(I mean yeah there's that blogs I follow thing on the side here but I can barely remember how to follow a blog in blogger and it's glitchy as shit anyhow)

he-man screen cap

plus the ones I'm just making real sure you know about but would be real surprised if you didn't

Arnold Böcklin
stealing this straight outta Displacer Klaus's bag here:


1. Gravity Lances:
Gravity as in severe , gravity as in an exorable force , these lances are very long and stretch through time and space and are made of moments.
The knights begin their charge towards each other , each part of their lance a specific moment in time and space (the king lives, the kings dies, a mountain is formed, a child is lost , a city burns) and the final impact is resolved at the same time as each of the individual moments, the lances themselves like horrible fractal quicksilver nightmare mirrors, the knights; like a black sun eating the sky  like a buzzing fly instead your eyeball.

2. Shark tooth house:
A dolls house of teeth , thrown at someone it, it swallows them, cutting deeper and deeper the longer they take to find their way out.

3. Land Mine:
Like those dirtballs in Tank games, this gross looking tree cone (as Casuarina or Banksia but moving slowly like dying baby birds) spews out dank soil when impacted, filling and probably entombing a 2 metre cube .

4.Final Word Knife: 
If you stab someone with this knife, (appearing like Cinquedea sharpened down to a sliver) , it will kill them. Not necessary then , but eventually, no matter how later, no matter what seeming other cause, the death will always be claimed to you via this knife , in every book and cosmic writ.

5. Murder Tree:
Like a 2.5 metre dead tree if trees claimed brittle metal as their substance and not wood. It blurs and twists but never quite when you look at it, always like it was just before you looked. Like noticing raindrops or ants moving in grass.
It's heavy but the weight is carried by Wisdom not Strength. It will crush, impale, flay and tear. Then  carry parts lamenting and twitching off  your defeated enemies.
These trophies will only cease when rotted to bone.
Until then, they remain continually unreachable in the razor thickets , like Tantalus grapes.
These were first brought to earth by angels and can be still found used by them.
photograph by Toni Frissell, for more info click this

Friday, 15 July 2016

Laughter In The Woods

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Kiel wanted this:
A list of weird and decadent (but gameable) fey/fairy pass-times and ritual

in exchange he going to never use a reaction gif again   he is going to make a big list of all the sweet sentai monsters

Needle Dancing :

the folk have really long needle shoes (5-6 metre) and circle or folk dance in a glade.

Trespassers or rule breakers are sometimes sentenced to survive a dance in middle of the glad, risking constant impalement. The more they can predict the dance movements the less they get stabbed. "Attending" the dance in full anuls whatever grudge is held against.

Use: players need to atone for something, or they need to risk someone or rig it so they survive it.

Moon Cloaks:

a moon cloak makes the wearer look like whatever the viewer is expecting to see while also making the viewer very suggestible at the same time. 
They are made by collecting moonlight reflected in particular water sources; everything from a hoof print to a lake. Special scissors are needed and the craft is only known to a few. 
It has to be done in one night and moon cloaks vanish if exposed to daylight. If this happens then the next night everything one within a cat stroll range will have nightmares and physically experience them.

Use: as a nightmare bomb, or as escorting mission helping a folk around to the particular sequence of reflecting sources needed. An encounter; the fey in question might be forbidden to practise the craft because of traditions and offers someone bribe to the players if the keep shuttum. The bribe will prob get them in more trouble however. 
Or an apprentice nightstitcher offers to make the players a mooncloak but it goes kinda wrong the whole time and all the reflecting surfaces are acting as portals to random weird semi-planes after the moon has been cut from them.

Arnold Böcklin - Der Krieg from wiki commons

the classic. Everyone gets a horrible animal mask everyone gets a horrible horse with human features and some horrible dogs with the faces of everyone you betrayed . Then they ride around on a moonless night or the solstice or for justice and hunt down the criminal , maybe just find someone and  make up the laws afterwards?

Use: can the players get to the hunted before the hunters?
Or being hunted. Or being doing the knock out a couple of dudes in the back and take their clothes and then try and blend in.

the beaver or the ant? who the better builder? better have a competition. Better just fuck up the place with the beavers making more and more dams and the ants make more mounds and all the folk strutting around making notes. 
Or any other animal trait that can be compared to another animal. Best weaver, singer , swimmer etc. 

Use: generally gets way out of hand and will need judges or some one to step in and just stop it because the spider is trying to trap the moon and the fox death to prove who is craftest.

do you animals have laws? Well they don't but that doesn't mean the fey can't post bountys for whoever stole honey from the bees or ruined the rabbits dance.

atop beetles along a single strand of human hair
on human back along a frozen lake
on flocks of crows atop the trees
Or each knight in a different persons eye leaping from eye to eye


like the classic sword in the stone Merlin vs Morgana each battler takes a form to defeat the other.
Someone starts as a wolf , their opponent turns in a lion , so the other a thorn , to that a locust.

Often with a unspoken subrule like each form must be prettier than the last or abstract concepts always lose to specific obscure animal taxidermy

someone is chosen, someone prob having a blameless life or maybe a pompous ass ? Anyway their life is about to get a lot more interesting , as they are now the basis for a wager!
The 2 contestants work together to make them  win and lose a fortune 3 times within the time limit (a day, a week, a month , a candle).
Their temperament at the end of the game is the thing actually bet upon. So one will be aiming to have them sad and other happy. Or possibly less binary and more obscure emotions.
Depending on what kind of sport this person is they might be allowed to keep the fortune and/or be with an additional blessing or curse.